6 Steps to Relationship Repair

You had a long day and you blew up at your teen or partner or sister, and now you want to have a do over. Great! Relationship repair is one of the greatest ways to build trust with someone you love. Done well, it will bring you closer.

These tips will work equally well with a teen or a parent, so long as you have already done the work to build a loving relationship where both people feel secure.

This is also a good way to discover if a parent you think you may want to reduce contact with is capable of repair with you. How they respond to this conversation is a good barometer.

6 Steps to Relationship Repair

Cool off. After the fight or disagreement, take at least 20 minutes to cool off. Reflect on what you believe you need to apologize for, and where the other person needs to take ownership. Arguments are never one-sided. Also consider what was going one for you that may have contributed. Long day at work? Dog pooped in the living room? Similarly, what might be going on for your loved one?

Use a calm voice. Say that you didn’t feel good about that interaction, and that you want to apologize for your part in it. You also want to clarify that the fight is behind you and you are back in a familiar place with each other. The less everyone feels threatened, the better it will go.

Clarify your position. Explain that you are not ok with how they acted, and offer some ideas for what else may be going on for them. For example, do you know they are preoccupied with an upcoming doctor’s appointment?

Needed changes. Explain what bothered you and what you want them to do differently in the future, pointing out for them what they know about you and your reactions. For example, You know when we talk about politics I get on edge more quickly.

Take ownership: One sentence to use is, Regardless of what you said, I should not have done what I did and I am sorry. Describe what was bad about what you said. Was it mean, an exaggeration. How did you use what you know about them to hurt them?

Identify your stressors. Add what may have been going on with you. My tooth hurts after the dentist, or the dog pooped on the rug. Then reiterate your boundary in a calm, kind way.

Why These Steps are Important

They build trust. This is part of what Brené Brown talks about in her 7 Elements of Trust. By guessing at what else may be going on for them, you are offering the most generous interpretation of their behavior.

They help your loved one experience how others see them. By wondering if the doctor’s appointment contributed to their reaction, you are encouraging your loved one to have the kind of self-reflection that you need them to have in order to have a relationship with you, or most anyone else. You are allowing people a view into how others see them.

It shows them what you need. Similarly, by apologizing and connecting your own experience or what happened to you today you are helping them connect the dots about you and how you react during stress. If you say what is going on in your head, then you are sharing a part of you to deepen the relationship.

Finally

Keep in mind there may not be much of a response at first. Sometimes silence is a sign of people processing.

In short, you want to use what you already know about each other to find a way across the disagreement. The other person also needs to both care enough, and know enough, to make it right.

I can hear all of you with emotionally immature parents saying, But they don’t know. And it’ not their fault! Yes, and no.

If they are not willing to learn and grow, then repair will be difficult.