How to Set Boundaries with Family Without Hurting Them

Apr 28

You deserve to have a life where spending time with your family doesn’t leave you drained for days. The key? Start by honoring your superpower.

I’m going to start this post a little differently than most advice about boundaries. I want to begin by acknowledging your superpower.

Because if you're a woman who worries that setting boundaries with her family might hurt them, you do have a superpower. Actually, a constellation of related superpowers. And the key to staying connected to your family — without needing a week to recover — is recognizing and honoring these powers.

Most discussions about boundaries emphasize the need to be strong, firm, and tough. And while there’s truth to that, it often ignores the profound gifts you bring to your relationships. We need to talk about setting boundaries in a way that works with your strengths, not against them.

Your Superpowers

Your first superpower is your extraordinary sensitivity. You can sense what your parents, siblings, and even extended family members are feeling with remarkable accuracy. You also intuitively know what to say or do to meet their emotional needs.

You’re not wrong to know that your boundaries might hurt them. (You're not imagining it.) Despite what many boundary experts say about the gift of letting people "do their own work," you know your family likely isn’t interested in that gift.

Your second superpower is your ability to take the bird’s-eye view. You see that your parents or siblings came by their pain honestly. You understand their struggles, their regrets, and maybe even the fear of their own mortality. You don't want to add to that pain, because it feels cruel.

Finally, you can see people at their highest level — the part of them that loves, despite everything. You know that they love you, despite how they treat you sometimes, and you believe that because you have this understanding, this kind of love from them should be enough for you. (This is where I start to gently disagree with you. You deserve more.)

Before we go further, stop and take a deep breath. Recognize just how powerful, empathetic, and wise you are. These are superpowers the world desperately needs — and you have been practicing them for years. If you're spiritually inclined, consider that maybe you were placed in this challenging family dynamic because the world needs more people with your gifts.

Superpowers Should Feel... Super

Feeling like a bit of a superhero yet? Good.

Now think about the other superheroes you know. Superman didn’t tire when he fought bad guys. Scarlet Witch mastered chaos. Wonder Woman wielded her lasso with ease.

Using your superpowers should feel expansive, powerful, energizing. It should light you up.

If you’re like me — before I learned to set boundaries — using your superpowers with your family doesn’t feel good at all. It leaves you drained, sick, exhausted.

Here’s the thing: every superpower has a weakness. Superman had kryptonite. Harley Quinn had the Joker. Venom was afraid of a cigarette lighter.

As heartbreaking as it is, your family is your kryptonite.

When you’re with them, you use your superpowers, but they don't energize you — they deplete you. You need days to recover. You can’t use your gifts for the world if your family is constantly draining them.

Superman had to stay away from kryptonite to remain powerful. You also have to protect yourself if you want to stay strong.

You don’t need to get rid of your superpowers — you just need to use them differently. Like any skill, this takes practice.

You deserve a life where you can spend time with your family without it costing you days of your life. Imagine the energy you'd reclaim, the hours of therapy you could skip, the freedom you could feel.

So how do you get there?

First, you make internal changes. Then you take external actions.

Internal Changes

Step 1: Examine Your (Possibly Unconscious) Beliefs About Boundaries

Grab a journal and a pen. Set a timer for 15 minutes. Write without stopping about what you believe about boundaries. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, or coherence. Just keep writing.

When the timer goes off, take a short break. Then re-read what you wrote and underline anything important, interesting, or confusing.

Now, reflect:

What did you learn about boundaries from your family?
Where did you learn that boundaries were hurtful?
How have your community, school, place of worship, or gym shaped your ideas?
Are boundaries different depending on gender?

You’ll probably notice that women, in particular, are often socialized not to set or enforce boundaries. Recognizing this can help you see that this isn’t just "your family’s" problem — it’s a broader cultural one.

Step 2: Decide What You Believe

As an adult woman, what do boundaries mean to you?

What do you like about them?
What don’t you like?
Do you believe that boundaries hurt people?
Are there boundaries that feel fair and right to you?

There's no right or wrong answer. But setting boundaries only works if you believe you have a right to them. So start by establishing what feels true and right for you — not what Instagram or a "boundary expert" says.

Step 3: Check Your Need to Be Right

Your superpowers make you attuned to what would genuinely help your family. You’re probably right that your parents could use counseling, your brother should rethink his politics, or your sister deserves a better job.

You want them to be happy — both because you love them and because it would relieve you of emotional labor.

But here’s the hard truth: for many people, happiness isn’t the goal. Happiness actually feels scary. Especially if your family member has been in pain for most of her life, comfort, even painful comfort, often feels safer.

Setting boundaries isn’t just about giving people the opportunity to "do their work." It’s about letting people live their own lives — even if they choose pain.

Ask yourself: Would my boundaries be different if I didn’t need my family to agree with me?

Step 4: Sit With It

Don’t rush. Let these ideas marinate for a few days or weeks. Let your beliefs solidify into a kind of mission statement you can repeat to yourself.

It’s also helpful to seek affirmation from a trusted friend, a favorite author, or an expert you respect. Sometimes knowing you’re not alone is all the encouragement you need.

Step 5: Identify the One Boundary You Need Most

Focus on the most important or urgent boundary you need with your family. Common ones include:

Spending less time together
Not discussing politics
Controlling how emotional information is shared

Start small and specific.

External Changes

Step 1: Choose One Boundary — Only One

Start slow. Choose a boundary you can articulate clearly, kindly, and consistently, without apologizing or over-explaining.

For example, one of my early boundaries was: "Please don’t put me in the middle." (Like Dad asking me to talk to Mom for him.)

Step 2: Get It Down to a Sentence

Keep it simple and repeatable. Example:

"Dad, what you’re asking puts me in the middle of your relationship with Mom. I can’t do that anymore."

You don’t owe long explanations. But if you want to soften it slightly, you can add:

"That doesn’t work for me anymore."
"It makes me feel uncomfortable."

Step 3: Expect Pushback from Your Family

Your family may not respond well. They might guilt-trip you. Stay strong. Eventually, they’ll adjust.

Helpful phrases to keep in mind:

"I understand this may feel like rejection, but it’s not."
"I know this isn’t enough for you, and I’m sorry for that. But it’s the best I can do right now."

Step 4: Expect Pushback from Yourself

Setting boundaries often feels awful at first. Your doubts and fears will scream at you. This is normal — it's called the refractory period — the uncomfortable time between taking a brave action and adjusting to it.

(For more on this, check out this article).

The real sign you’re on the right path? After the fear passes, you'll notice a small, quiet voice inside that says: Hell yes.

Listen to that voice.

Step 5: Repeat

Boundary-setting is an ongoing process. You’ll likely cycle through:

Reexamining your beliefs
Reaffirming what matters to you
Choosing the next boundary

This is how you maintain connection with your family while taking good care of yourself. It’s how I created a peaceful, low-contact relationship with my family — literally, one boundary at a time.

It’s also how I learned to honor my own superpowers — and finally use them in ways that feel expansive, life-giving, and truly powerful.

Melissa Macomber