3 Steps to Stay your Authentic Self Around the Holidays
So often, it’s easiest to be ourselves in our adult lives, away from our families of origin. Then we go home for a holiday, and we fall right back into the same role, the same family pattern and interaction that we grew up with and have worked so hard to change.
We end up acting like the stroppy teenager we once were, or silencing ourselves to keep the peace. It doesn’t matter which role you fall into, what matters is that it makes you feel badly about yourself. Maybe you obsessively replay conversations over and over in your head, wishing you had said something differently. Maybe you beat yourself up, wondering if you have really changed at all.
Authenticity is a goal in itself, and a worthy one. Seeking to be more truly yourself regardless of who you are sitting next to at dinner will help you feel more solid, centered, and peaceful. This, in turn, will give you the confidence to speak your truth calmly and kindly to everyone, including yourself.
How do you get there? Here are three simple steps you can use this season, right at that dinner table.
Notice People First
The foundation of authenticity is research. The first step in feeling more authentic around your family at the holidays is to notice when you feel out of alignment with yourself. What are the situations or conversations that push your buttons? Who are the people who you feel least yourself with?
Try to get as specific as you can. What are the comments or even the word choices that others use that drive you bananas? Are there certain times of day when you are more on edge? What are the ‘safe’ conversations versus the ones that cause interior conflict?
Excuse yourself to the bathroom, whip out your Notes app and type out whatever comes to mind. Don’t worry about censoring yourself or what it means. Also, don’t worry about doing or saying anything different just yet.
Notice Events Second
Continue your research to include how you feel during the holiday experience. When do you feel most yourself? The least? Often, the parts that we enjoy are when we feel most aligned, but not always. For example, sometimes doing the dishes after dinner is not what I enjoy, but what I need most in that moment to feel like myself.
Again, find a moment to write down what you observe.
What do you ruminate about?
Once the event has passed, and you find yourself replaying conversations or wishing you had said or done something differently, stop and notice what that looks like. Are there certain people that you almost always wish you had spoken to differently? Certain topics you wish you had avoided altogether? Certain activities that you wish you never had to be part of again?
Rumination is a technique that lots of people use to cope with difficult relationships (for my blog post on rumination, click here). While over time, rumination is both unhelpful and exhausting, it is a great tool to help you figure out where you are feeling inauthentic.
Again, write down what you notice.
In my experience, the holidays are rarely a productive time to try out being your authentic self without research and practice. It’s always more difficult to be authentic with your family. So take any pressure off yourself to do anything different this year, and instead, focus on your research. It will help you decide what the next step is for you in your relationship with your family, whether it’s a hard conversation or reducing contact with them.
Those can be goals for 2025.