How to Reduce Contact with your Family: Especially for Women with Emotionally Immature Parents
You have decided that you need to reduce contact with your family. How do you start?
In this post, I will walk you through what to think about, what to say, and how to act around family that you would like some distance from, as well as some common pitfalls when starting the low contact process.
Looking for a deeper understanding of low contact and estrangement, check out this post.
Step 1: Clarify Your Reasons and Goals
Be clear on why you want to reduce contact. For example: emotional safety, stress reduction, breaking cycles, etc.
Define what “low contact” will mean for you (e.g., frequency of visits, topics off-limits, who initiates contact).
Address any false hopes that you are holding, such as dreams that by reducing contact your family will finally wake up and change. Reducing contact is most successful when you release any need for others to change. It is also a crucial grieving step. It is horribly sad that you are at this point with your family. Allow yourself to mourn what you wish you had.
Step 2: Preparation Tips
Decide “safe” and “unsafe” topics ahead of time.
Have exit strategies for calls or visits (e.g., “I have another commitment”).
Prepare neutral phrases (“I understand you feel that way” / “Let’s change the subject”).
Schedule self-care immediately after contact.
Anticipate seasonal spikes (holidays, birthdays) and plan responses early.
Consider how you might share what you are doing with friends and others outside the family. You certainly don’t need a public announcement, but sharing with people you trust will help you feel supported and get ahead of some of the loneliness that may result from spending less time with your family.
Step 3: Recognize Traditional Pressures on Women
Women often face unique cultural and familial pressures when reducing contact with family, like
Caretaking Expectations: Daughters are often expected to manage parents’ emotional and physical needs, making low contact seem “abandoning.” Guilt about being a ‘good daughter’ in this way is often culturally accepted.
Reputation Policing: Women may be judged more harshly for “not being family-oriented.”
Financial or Housing Ties: In some cases, women may still be financially tied to family, complicating low contact.
Extra preparation for women may include:
Practicing responses to “You’re selfish / ungrateful / dramatic” without defensiveness.
Identifying allies who understand the female caregiving burden.
Planning for emotional backlash during traditionally “family-heavy” times like weddings, births, and holidays.
Step 4: Set Clear Boundaries, One at a time
Decide limits on time, topics, and emotional energy. Choose one to start with, rather than trying to implement them all at once.
Use specific boundaries (e.g., “I can only talk for 15 minutes,” “I won’t discuss my dating life”).
Choose your contact channels (text instead of calls, public places for meetings).
Step 5: Plan Your Communication Strategy
Decide whether you will explain your low contact decision or simply reduce availability without a formal announcement.
If explaining, keep it short and non-negotiable (e.g., “I need to focus on my mental health, so I won’t be visiting as often”).
Expect pushback and prepare neutral, repeated responses.
Step 6: Use Soul Distancing
I love this term. It means that while you may be present with people in body and mind, you do not share your soul with them. These three techniques allow you to spend time with family when you need to, while keeping what is most precious about you safe.
Grey Rocking
A technique where you make yourself as emotionally uninteresting and unresponsive as possible, like a “grey rock.” The goal is to give the other person nothing to hook into emotionally.
How It Works:
Speak in short, bland, factual responses.
Avoid showing strong emotions (positive or negative).
Do not share personal details, opinions, or stories.
Example:
Them: “Why didn’t you invite me to your dinner party?”
You: “It was small.”
Yellow Rocking
A softer, warmer version of grey rocking. You remain minimally responsive but add a slight touch of polite warmth or kindness to keep interactions civil without opening the door to manipulation.
How It Works:
Maintain the boundaries of grey rocking (short, factual, minimal personal sharing).
Add a neutral but pleasant tone or facial expression.
Often used when you want to avoid hostility and don’t want to appear cold or provoke retaliation.
Example:
Them: “Why didn’t you invite me to your dinner party?”
You: (smiling lightly) “It was just a really small thing, but I hope you’ve been doing well.”
Firewalling
Definition:
A strategy of actively controlling and limiting the information flow between you and the other person. Think of it like a tech firewall, you decide exactly what gets through.
How It Works:
You deliberately filter what you share (facts, timing, details).
Use vague or deflecting answers to personal questions.
Share only what you’re comfortable being twisted or repeated.
Example:
Them: “Where are you going on Saturday?”
You: “Just busy with some things.”
Step 7: Implement Gradually, this is a Marathon, Not a Sprint
Reduce contact in stages, like fewer calls and shorter visits, to give both you and them time to adjust and to reduce emotional backlash.
Continue to look for patterns in family interactions noticing manipulation, gaslighting, or guilt loops.
Reassess your boundaries periodically and tighten if needed, loosen if safe.
Step 8: Build Your Support Network
Have friends, therapists, or support groups who understand your reasons.
Share with them your boundaries so they can help you stay consistent
Common Pitfalls
Guilt & Self-Doubt: Old conditioning makes low contact feel selfish. Remind yourself of your reasons, journal victories, lean on chosen family
Boundary Creep: Family pushes to increase contact. Repeat boundaries calmly, avoid long justifications
Triangulation: Relatives use other family members to pressure you. Refuse to engage, respond directly to the person involved
Overexplaining: Desire to be understood leads to oversharing. Keep statements short and consistent
Emotional Re-triggering: Old wounds reopened during limited contact. Prepare beforehand, have a recovery ritual afterward
Additional Resources
https://glynissherwood.com/low-contact-the-scapegoats-compromise/
https://youtu.be/g_Bc9rnRrTc?si=EOBcq03Ax1V1ICwi (Dr Ramani on YouTube)
To reiterate, this is a marathon, not a sprint. It is also a process of trial and error to determine which boundaries are most important for you, which holidays are most important to attend (or avoid), and which self-care rituals you need most. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself loads of grace.