Infidelity and the Kids: 10 Research-Based Facts
Photo by 🇸🇮 Janko Ferlič on Unsplash
#1 MILLIONS OF KIDS ARE EXPOSED TO PARENT INFIDELITY
A 2014 study estimated that 20-40% of American married couples experienced infidelity at some point. According to Statista.com in 2014, there were 59 million married couples in the United States, and 40% of those couples had children, which is about 24 million couples. Let’s say that 30% of those couples go through infidelity. That’s about 7.2 million couples. Assuming at least one child per couple, this suggests that roughly 7 million children in the U.S. in 2014 were likely exposed to parent infidelity.
#2 40% ALREADY KNOW THAT A PARENT IS CHEATING
Three separate studies published in 2016, 2017 and 2018 reported that between 24-40% of children knew of a parent’s infidelity, before being told explicitly. Sometimes, kids sense that something is amiss because one or both parents become preoccupied or emotionally distant. Other times, the kids find out themselves from seeing something, overhearing something, or, the one I see most often, snooping on mom or dad’s phone. Most often, kids learn explicitly about a parent’s affair from another family member.
#3 KIDS REACT TO UNDISCUSSED PARENT INFIDELITY IN SPECIFIC WAYS
These include poor academic performance, angry outbursts, the silent treatment, refusing to use ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ and instead calling parents by their first names, and refusing to say ‘I love you’ to parents.
#4 OFTEN KIDS FEEL EQUAL ANGER TOWARDS BOTH PARENTS, THE UNFAITHFUL AND THE BETRAYED
Sometimes, the kids feel anger at the situation that the cheating has created for the family, so they blame both parents. It’s also a way for them to be able to continue to love a cheating parent, despite feeling betrayed by them. I see this most often in families where the father has cheated and the son blames mom, as in, ‘mom must have done something to make dad cheat’. While not true, using this rationalization helps the son continue to love and look up to his favorite male role model, his dad.
#5 GENDER AFFECTS HOW KIDS SEE AND INTERPRET PARENT INFIDELITY
Women tend to view infidelity more negatively than men do. Children are more likely to discuss infidelity with their mothers than their fathers. Adult male children whose fathers have cheated are more likely to cheat on their partners than female children whose fathers cheat.
#6 Keeping Kids Out of the middle Helps
Kids feel conflicted and stressed when they get put in between parents who are fighting. Things like being asked to uncover information about the affair, being a mediator between parents and managing extended family’s opinions about a parent’s infidelity all contribute to a kid feeling caught in the middle of their parents. What helps? Keeping the conflict between the parents, and not bad-mouthing your spouse in front of your kids.
#7 KIDS WHO GROW UP WITH UNFAITHFUL PARENTS ARE MORE LIKELY TO CHEAT
While it is difficult to prove that growing up with an unfaithful parent causes kids to cheat, studies as far back as 1983 and as recent as 2025 have shown a definite correlation between growing up with a cheating parent and a child’s propensity to cheat in their own relationships. The most heartbreaking part of this research?
#8 THIS IS TRUE EVEN IF KIDS BELIEVE THAT CHEATING IS WRONG
A child who grows up with cheating parents may well grow up to believe that cheating is wrong. Statistically, they are still more likely to cheat. Research has determined that a belief that infidelity is wrong does almost nothing to stop people from cheating.
#9 HEALING FROM PARENT INFIDELITY MEANS GETTING SOME PERSPECTIVE
This means that kids need to understand both the difficulties in their parents’ partnership, and any challenges that parents had in childhood that might have contributed to the affair. Being able to see their parents as humans who made mistakes rather than ‘bad people’ is key to healing from the betrayal.
#10 HOW AN AFFAIR IS DISCUSSED IN A FAMILY IS AS IMPORTANT AS THE AFFAIR ITSELF
If you take nothing else from this post, take this. Research has demonstrated repeatedly that the most effective way for kids to heal from parent infidelity is through honest conversation about it with their parents, extended families, friends and communities.
You can find the extensive research that informs my work on my Research page.