The Power of Writing a Letter to Your Cheating Parent
Conversations about a parent’s infidelity are so, so difficult for each member of a family. It helps to understand what each person’s role is in family healing, and to have a variety of communication strategies.
This interview with Linda J. MacDonald, Infidelity Recovery Specialist and Author (https://www.lindajmacdonald.com/) is here to help with all of this. Like the other professionals I have interviewed, Linda affirms that that the myths of the no-talk rule and time heals all wounds are harmful to families and only inhibit healing. Infidelity is a family trauma that requires active processing.
If you prefer, click here to watch the video on YouTube.
This post is also part of a larger resources that I created; an interview series called Healing Family Secrets: Navigating the Pain of Infidelity Together. For this series, I interviewed eight betrayal trauma professionals. Together we explored the profound impacts of infidelity on families and provided actionable insights to support both parents and adult children through this challenging time.
Specifically, to each of these professionals, I asked one big question:
In your experience, what are the most effective strategies families can adopt to rebuild trust and communication after infidelity, and how can they navigate the emotional complexities involved?
Click here for a synopsis of all 8 interviews.
The Child’s Role
For Linda, for a child who is still in the home, their role depends on if the parents are still together or split.
If the parents are still together, it’s important that the children are allowed to have their own thoughts and feeling about the affair, and ideally, have access to therapy.
If the parents split and especially if the affair partner will be part of the child’s life, the family interaction changes. Both parents need to understand that it’s likely that the children will be highly offended by the affair partner, and will need to recognize hard it is for them without getting defensive. It’s also common for the kids to long for 1:1 time with the cheating parent.
Children of any age deserve permission to feel whatever they feel about the betrayal, access to their own trauma-informed therapy, and a safe space to process the betrayal.
How to Write a Letter
That being said, as Linda and I discussed, these needs so often go unmet. Linda spoke at length about the power of writing a letter to the cheating parent. This can work especially well if the cheating parent gets defensive when the adult child brings up the infidelity. It can lower the parent's guard and enable a more receptive response.
I would add that it helps to write a few drafts before presenting it to your parent. Allow the first drafts to be everything that you feel, in whatever words you want. In later drafts you can choose feelings and language that are most resonant for you. When you are ready, simply read the letter to your cheating parent.
The Betrayed Parent’s Role
Find peer support to avoid emotional role-reversal with children, such as using the child as a confidante or for emotional support.
Focus on factual and age-appropriate communication with kids about your experience.
Be flexible with new family dynamics (e.g., holiday schedules if the parents split) and don't induce guilt.
Offer to pay for the child's therapy.
The Cheating Parent’s Role
Own the infidelity with humility and contrition, offering a meaningful apology that includes I was wrong and you didn't deserve this.
It is super important that the cheating parent own the behavior without any excuses or blame-shifting to either the betrayed parent or any other outside people or circumstances.
The next step is to ask the children What can I do to help you?
Remember, it’s never too late to make amends
For further reading
Linda, and I both highly recommend the book Parents Who Cheat by Dr. Ana Nogales.
✨ Are you an adult child who is struggling with a cheating parent and hoping to rebuild a healthy relationship with your family?
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