A Parent-Led Healing Framework for Families after Infidelity
You know you need to speak with your kids about the affair, but where do you start? This blog post is here to help.
Ellia Marcum, Founder of MoodWell Coaching and Turning to Peace Magazine (https://moodwellcoaching.com/) shares her expertise on what healthy conversations and interactions look like when led by a parent who is both working on their own healing, and hoping to help their kids do the same.
If you prefer, click here to watch the video on YouTube.
This post is also part of a larger resources that I created; an interview series called Healing Family Secrets: Navigating the Pain of Infidelity Together. For this series, I interviewed eight betrayal trauma professionals. Together we explored the profound impacts of infidelity on families and provided actionable insights to support both parents and adult children through this challenging time.
Specifically, to each of these professionals, I asked one big question:
In your experience, what are the most effective strategies families can adopt to rebuild trust and communication after infidelity, and how can they navigate the emotional complexities involved?
Click here for a synopsis of all 8 interviews.
A Parent-Led Healing Framework
Step 1: Parents Do Their Own Healing Work
This means actively engaging in therapy or support groups. Coping with infidelity as part of a couple is incredibly challenging emotionally, mentally and physically. Without this crucial first step, parents are susceptible to blowing up if their kids trigger them, or using children (even adult children) inappropriately for emotional support.
Once you are healing yourself, start by apologizing to your kids and repairing any ruptures that have occurred, including the specific actions you are taking to heal. This is an important step for both the cheating and the betrayed parent. Often the betrayed parent will hurt their kids without meaning to, because they are so mired in their own pain.
Some examples of statements to use are:
Here is what I am doing. I am seeing a therapist, or I joined a support group, etc.
I’m sorry that I blew up at you last week. I know none of this is your fault.
Is there anything else I can do to help you feel safer?
Step 2: Learn to Hold Space
Holding space means being present and validating a child's emotions without trying to fix anything, defend yourself, or solve the problem. Choose a time when you are feeling calm and know a few skills to regulate yourself emotionally if the conversation gets difficult.
Here are some techniques:
Use validating statements → It makes sense that you feel that way. or I can see that this is really upsetting you.
Listen more, talk less, and stay calm.
Reflect back what you hear → What I'm hearing you say is...
Remember, your opinions, thoughts and emotions will only get in the way. You don’t have to agree with someone to validate their feelings, they just need to know that you understand what they are saying.
Tailored Support by Age
YOUNG CHILDREN
It’s very helpful for children to name their feelings, while also setting boundaries around their behavior. For example, you can say, You seem angry. It's okay to be mad, but not to hit. Often, once the child is able to process the anger, sadness will come next, and that’s when to offer physical connection, like hugs. Consider getting your child support through therapy or play therapy depending on the age.
TEENS
Use the same strategies for younger children, except respect your teen’s privacy but keep the door open for conversation. Some phrases to use are: I am here when you are ready to talk about it. I would love to hear what is on your heart.
Active Check-ins: Don't let silence persist. Check in frequently (e.g., every other day for high schoolers).
Insist on Support: If a teen won't talk to a parent, insist they choose someone (e.g., a trusted adult, school counselor). Therapy, mentorship or coaching are all great options for teens.
ADULT CHILDREN
Validate their experience and respect their autonomy, but do not try and dictate their healing path. Support their own intuition, knowledge and wisdom as they are ultimately the ones in charge of their life.
Common Misperception
So many people believe that a parent’s infidelity will "ruin" a child. The reality is that with resources, children can heal and thrive. If you as a parent are doing your own work and giving your child the resources, you are already setting them up for healing. Provide professional support (therapy, coaching, mentorship) if you can, and trust the healing timeline. It takes time but it does get better.
✨ Are you an adult child who is struggling with a cheating parent and hoping to rebuild a healthy relationship with your family?
✨ Would you consider signing up for a research interview with me?
✨ In a short, confidential, 20 minute Zoom call I ask 8 questions about your experience of your parent's betrayal. Your answers will help me build a much needed resource for adult children of infidelity.
In return, I promise by speaking with me, you will feel less alone 🫶.
Link to sign ip for a research call 📞📞📞 is: https://calendly.com/melissamacomber/first-call