When Truth is Not on the Table: How do Adult Children Heal?
Rebuilding trust in the family starts with the betraying parent taking full ownership of their behavior and providing everyone in the family with a full disclosure. Until that happens, the family cannot truly move forward with healing. Ideally, you would want to get into family therapy with the whole family and work with a therapist that is trained in family disclosure.
But what if that is not happening?
How do you, as the adult child, heal if you never receive a full disclosure?
This blog post is here to help. It is a synopsis of my conversation with Kristin Cary, Co-Founder of Living Truth (https://www.living-truth.org). If you prefer, click here to watch the video on YouTube.
This post is also part of a larger resources that I created; an interview series called Healing Family Secrets: Navigating the Pain of Infidelity Together. For this series, I interviewed eight betrayal trauma professionals. Together we explored the profound impacts of infidelity on families and provided actionable insights to support both parents and adult children through this challenging time.
Specifically, to each of these professionals, I asked one big question:
In your experience, what are the most effective strategies families can adopt to rebuild trust and communication after infidelity, and how can they navigate the emotional complexities involved?
Click here for a synopsis of all 8 interviews.
Disclosure, Forgiveness & Trust
Full disclosure is a term used in the betrayal trauma community that typically refers to the betraying partner sharing every single detail of the affair or unwanted sexual behavior with the betrayed partner. Obviously, full disclosure to the children in the family is going to look different, depending on the age of the children. Even adult children don’t need every explicit detail of the infidelity, but they do need their parent to explain what happened, and to take ownership for the betrayal without making excuses or trying to make the child sympathize with them.
The process of healing in a family is non-linear, in much the same way that the betrayed parent’s healing journey is non-linear. Children (of any age) in a family will vacillate between saying come closer and go away. This is a normal response as the brain's attachment system battles its threat response. The betraying parent must be patient and expect this whiplash.
I asked Kristin about how she distinguished forgiveness vs. trust, because I find that many adult children feel pressure to forgive their cheating parent before they trust them again.
Kristin explained that forgiveness is an internal, non-linear process of releasing resentment. It may require boundaries to prevent re-injury and does not mean forgetting. This is quite different from trust, which must be earned through consistent, changed behavior. It is both layered and specific. For example, an adult child may trust their parent enough to meet them for lunch, but not enough to use them for childcare. Forgiveness can occur without trust. Full trust requires forgiveness plus demonstrated change.
What if Truth Isn’t on the Table?
Adult children can and should request specific information directly from the betraying parent. Kristin suggests specific, data-point questions such as When did the affair start? to get concrete answers and avoid re-traumatizing yourself. If as a kid you had a gut sense that something was going on, getting that affirmation can be incredibly validating and help you restore trust in yourself.
However, there is always the chance that you won’t get the truth if the cheating parent has not done their work. It’s helpful to be really clear on what you want to get out of the conversation.
Equally important is setting boundaries that feel good to you, even with the betrayed parent. For example, it is super important to not take on the emotional burden of the betrayed parent.
Kristin echoed one of the most difficult aspects of a parent’s infidelity for adult children to accept: To respect the betrayed parent's right to not know details. It is not your job to get your betrayed parent to see the truth. It may be, for example that If your mom confronts your dad about his affair, she will lose her attachment bond to him, which feels like a deep threat to her survival.
Ultimately, it’s your parents’ choice to make the decision that is right for them.
Common Misconceptions
Once a cheater, always a cheater: Change is absolutely possible but requires the betraying partner to do deep work on root causes, often involving trauma therapy.
Time heals all wounds: Unaddressed wounds fester and can cause physical health issues. Healing requires active grieving and establishing new relational patterns.
Rigid Family Rules: Families must adapt. Adult children may need space for their own healing, and traditional rules about closeness, such as weekly calls, may need to be relaxed.
Healing with Adult Children
Listen Without Defending: For both parents, this means owning their actions and expressing regret for the harm caused.
Own the Betrayal: The betraying parent must acknowledge the broken covenant with the entire family, not just the spouse.
Invite Disclosure: Ask your adult children, What else has happened that has harmed you? You may be surprised at how often your kids knew things, and that they have continued to carry a huge burden. Inviting them to share is a powerful step toward repair.
✨ Are you an adult child who is struggling with a cheating parent and hoping to rebuild a healthy relationship with your family?
✨ Would you consider signing up for a research interview with me?
✨ In a short, confidential, 20 minute Zoom call I ask 8 questions about your experience of your parent's betrayal. Your answers will help me build a much needed resource for adult children of infidelity.
In return, I promise by speaking with me, you will feel less alone 🫶.
Link to sign ip for a research call 📞📞📞 is: https://calendly.com/melissamacomber/first-call