Self-Love is the First Step Towards Healing
Much like betrayed spouses, many adult children say that discovering a parent’s affair causes them to doubt themselves; their family relationships, their emotions, and their history. In this post, trauma-informed coach Heather Page explains why prioritizing love and trust in yourself is the first step towards healing from betrayal.
This blog post is part of an interview series I created called Healing Family Secrets: Navigating the Pain of Infidelity Together.
Heather is one of eight betrayal trauma professionals I interviewed for this series. Together we explored the profound impacts of infidelity on families and provided actionable insights to support both parents and adult children through these challenging times.
Specifically, to each of these professionals, I asked one big question:
In your experience, what are the most effective strategies families can adopt to rebuild trust and communication after infidelity, and how can they navigate the emotional complexities involved?
Below is the synopsis of our conversation. If you prefer, click here to watch the interview on YouTube.
Click here for an overview of all 8 interviews.
Connect with Heather at Mighty Acorn Coaching (https://mightyacorn-coaching.com/)
The Foundation: Self-Love
Heather believes that a self-love practice is the non-negotiable first step for anyone navigating infidelity. Betrayal trauma causes an identity shift and intense emotions, including doubt, fear and anger. Without self-care, these feelings can become the person's identity. Additionally, the trauma can foster incredible overwhelm, which can lead to trying to control the person who caused the hurt to keep it from happening again. (Which doesn’t work.)
How to start a self-love practice
Start with manageable steps to reconnect the mind and body. Create small pockets to slow down, such as deep breathing during micro-stressors, like when stuck in traffic, or mindful eating to re-engage the senses.
Having a support network (therapist, friends, other survivors) is essential to avoid rumination and gain perspective.
The key is to be able to create a sense of safety within yourself before having any difficult conversations. That way if the conversations upset you, you have a way to calm yourself down.
Common Misconceptions
Expectation of Instant Maturity: Believing the betraying parent will immediately become emotionally healthy after the affair is revealed is unrealistic. He or she is also dealing with their own shame, grief, and anger, and requires time and effort to change.
Attempting to Control the Betraying Parent: Acting as a "prison guard" over the parent's actions to prevent future hurt only creates more pain and suffering. It's crucial to release the need to control the parents’ relationship, as it's not the child's responsibility.
Rushing the Healing Process: Viewing healing as a sprint with a finish line is not accurate. It's a marathon. The "messy middle" is where the family defines its new identity and moves beyond being defined by the betrayal.
Communication Strategies for Families
Parent-Child Communication
Parents must decide how much information to share and set clear boundaries, while also reaffirming love. Avoiding the topic, even if you think you are protecting them, can make children feel more alone. Some phrases to use with your kids are, I'll share some details, but not all the ins and outs. I’m here to sit with you and figure things out with you.
Permission-Based Communication
It’s important to ask if someone is ready to talk before unloading on them, for a few reasons. First, it prevents defensiveness and creates a safe environment. Second, when we ask permission, our brain automatically settles. Finally, it empowers the other person to choose when they are ready.
It’s helpful to have someone you can unload on, such as a friend or therapist.
Adult children should keep in mind that this is a two-way street. Parents need to ask you for permission to have a conversation about the affair, but you also need to ask them. It’s unfair to unload all of your emotions onto your parents without notice.
The Path to Transformation
Reframe parents as flawed individuals who make mistakes but are still deserving of love. This perspective shift enables compassion and can create a deeper family bond than existed before the crisis. Heather shares her own personal story of how applying these principles transformed her post-divorce family dynamic. She and her ex-husband can now be in the same room and co-parent effectively, preventing the children from feeling torn between them.
It’s always worth trying to come to a place of love and understanding, even if you do not agree.
✨ Are you an adult child who is struggling with a cheating parent and hoping to rebuild a healthy relationship with your family?
✨ Would you consider signing up for a research interview with me?
✨ In a short, confidential, 20 minute Zoom call I ask 8 questions about your experience of your parent's betrayal. Your answers will help me build a much needed resource for adult children of infidelity.
In return, I promise by speaking with me, you will feel less alone 🫶.
Link to sign ip for a research call 📞📞📞 is: https://calendly.com/melissamacomber/first-call