Photo by Chris Linnett on Unsplash
It doesn’t matter how old you are, discovering that one of your parents is having an affair can upend your life and leave you wondering, What the hell do I do now?
I first tried to answer this question when I started the blog back in 2020 (read the original post here). After six years of hearing from hundreds of children of all ages, I wanted to revisit this topic and update my advice.
Here are the first three steps to take when you discover a parent’s affair.
Step 1: Give Yourself a Break and Grieve
There are so many possible feelings when you discover a parent’s infidelity because it is a betrayal not only of your other parent but also of you and your family. It is normal and healthy to feel sad, angry, confused, and overwhelmed. But cultural messages often tell children (especially adult children) to forgive and forget, move on, or recognize that it’s your parents’ issue, not yours.
If you deny your grief and anger, it will be harder to heal from the impact of the infidelity and may lead to more significant ruptures in your relationships with your parents.
Here are some of the things you might be feeling:
Anger toward the cheating parent AND the betrayed parent. This is more common than you may think (explanation here)
Anger toward the affair partner (AP).
Confusion about what is right and what is wrong.
Feeling like you need to choose sides between your parents and feeling confused about whom to support.
Negativity about committed relationships or marriage.
Sadness, hurt, or heartbreak.
Guilt, as though the affair could somehow have been your fault (it wasn't).
Relief. Perhaps the affair was an escape hatch that one parent needed to leave a relationship that was no longer working.
Feeling like you have to act as a mediator between your parents to maintain family harmony.
Step 2: Who Else Knows?
Who else knows about the infidelity? Some children find out before their betrayed parent, while others find out along with everyone else in the family.
If you have discovered the secret before anyone else, your next decision is whether to tell your cheating parent, your betrayed parent, or both what you know. You might also decide that it is safer for you to keep the secret for now. Next week’s post will cover how to make that decision. If you are in this position, you can move on to Step 3 for now.
If the affair is not a secret in the family, your next decision is what boundaries you need to set to protect your peace.
To start, consider setting a boundary with your family that gives you time and space to figure out what you need.For adult children who live outside the home, I usually suggest explaining to your parents that you need a block of time (somewhere between a week and a month) with limited or no contact.
For example, you might tell your cheating dad that you need to communicate only by text for a month so that you can clear your head and decide how to have a relationship with him going forward. Or, you might agree to meet only once a week for lunch in a neutral location.
The key is to communicate your boundary clearly, making sure it protects your peace and includes a time frame.Then, if you say you will call your dad after a month, follow through and call him, even if all you have to say is that you need another month. This is how you hold up your end of rebuilding trust in the relationship.
More importantly, setting and maintaining boundaries can help you rebuild trust in yourself, too, because you learn that you can protect your own needs even when family relationships are difficult.
Step 3: What Information Do You Need?
Now that you have a little space from your parents, the next step is to figure out what kind of information you need about the affair to help you process what has happened and continue healing.
Your questions might include:
How long has the affair been going on?
Were there multiple affair partners (APs) or just one?
Who else in the family or community knows?
Does the cheating parent plan to end the affair?
What is the plan for the relationship with the betrayed parent?
Most adult children need some basic information to make sense of what has happened and feel less overwhelmed by it all. Write down all your questions and decide whom you want to ask each one. You may have questions for your betrayed parent, too.
Next, think about what you want these conversations to look like. For example, what are the most important things you need to know? What would be your top three questions? Why? How might the answers influence the kind of relationship you want to have with each of your parents going forward?
Thinking through these questions beforehand is important because there is a hard truth you need to accept: you cannot control how your parents answer these questions. You may or may not get the answers you are hoping for. It is important to understand this BEFORE deciding to have these conversations.
For more tips on how to have these hard conversations, check out [this post] and [this one] and [this one], as well as [this one especially for cheating parents who don’t want to talk].
One Final Bonus Tip: Find Support
Coping with a parent’s infidelity is a marathon, not a sprint. My final bonus tip is to find yourself some support so you don't have to navigate all of this alone. Trying to cope without support can make an already difficult journey feel even longer.
Support can look like finding a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma, but it can also look like confiding in a trusted friend.
If you need an anonymous place online to share your story, check out the Reddit community I host: [r/KidsofCheatingParents].
You don't have to figure everything out today. Give yourself permission to take things one step at a time. You deserve the time and space to process what has happened and decide what kind of relationship you want with your parents moving forward.
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