Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash
In last week’s blog post, I wrote about the first three steps to take after discovering that one of your parents is cheating.
In that post, I acknowledged that many children (of all ages, sadly) discover that a parent is having an affair BEFORE their betrayed parent. This leaves them having to decide whether to keep the secret or share what they know.
Some kids wish to confront the involved parent, while some prefer to tell the betrayed parent first. Either way, you need a structured way to decide.
From a healing perspective, no one has convinced me that it makes much difference whether you confront the cheating parent first, or speak with the betrayed parent. I leave that up to your knowledge and understanding of your family, and your own comfort level.
Either way, you are moving from a place of carrying the secret to sharing the burden of this betrayal. In the best-case scenario, this can relieve some of the weight that secrets place on you. That being said, sometimes, it’s literally not safe to share what you know, and I want you to hear me loud and clear: that’s okay. I will get into why in a bit. But for now, just know that you do have a choice.
To that end, the first step is the most important, a Safety Check.
Is it safe for you to confront your parents?
I mean safe: physically, emotionally, financially, and logistically. It’s important to consider all of the ways that your life may be impacted by sharing your knowledge of the affair.
If you are a minor and still living with your parents, and confronting them will put you at risk for physical, emotional, and/or financial abuse, do not confront them. Move on to the next section to understand why this may be the best choice for you AND your family.
Even as an adult, safety considerations are paramount.
Is it physically safe for you to confront your parents? If not, then either do not confront them, or be sure you have trusted people around you when you do so and/or choose to do so in a public space. Then, be sure you have a safe place to go where you can be away from your parents.
Is it emotionally safe for you to confront your parents? If not, then either do not confront them, or be sure you have trusted people around you when you do so. You want to be sure you have a neutral witness in case you experience emotional abuse afterward. Then, be sure you have a safe place to go where you can be away from your parents.
Understanding why your safety is more important than confronting a parent about the affair
Many children feel that they have a duty to share what they know, to expose the infidelity so that a new solution can be found. Add to that the messages you find in pop culture and on social media, particularly Reddit. Many people will tell you that if you don’t tell your betrayed parent about the affair, then they will be angry with you. They may tell you that it is your obligation to tell them and that, if you don't, you are complicit in the cheating.
While I understand the push for honesty, I believe there is more to consider than simply telling the truth.
Here’s why:
As a child (of any age), your parents are above you in the hierarchy of the family. Confronting them puts you, by definition, in the position of having to stand on the same level as them. In other words, you may be taking on a role in their relationship that you were never meant to have.
You did not cause the affair. It is your cheating parent’s responsibility to confess their behavior, not yours
You have zero control over how your parents’ relationship proceeds. You cannot decide for either of them what to do after infidelity. Only they can make that decision. Children often get caught up in believing they have more control over their parents' relationship than they actually do.
Even if you disclose the affair, that does not mean the affair will end. Or that your betrayed parent will ask for a divorce or kick the cheating parent to the curb. I have seen many cases where a child confronts their parents with what they know, only to find that absolutely nothing changes.
Your biggest concern should be how you are going to recover from this betrayal. That means keeping yourself safe, getting through university and/or getting a job, and creating more autonomy for yourself. The goal is to build a life that is different from your parents' lives.
That is how intergenerational infidelity stops. Ironically, prioritizing your own well-being may also give you the best chance of helping your parents in the long term. If you are being physically or emotionally abused at your house, or if you have to drop out of college and move home because your parents have withdrawn financial support, you are in no position to help them.
Think of it like being on an airplane. The flight attendants always tell you to put on your own life preserver first. Then you can help others.
Seven More Considerations
If you are an adult child (18+) here are the factors to consider before you confront your parents:
Are you still living with your parents? Being under the same roof with your parents will make living with the fallout of exposing the affair worse. You will need to take concrete steps to be sure that you have some space from your parents when you need it. This could look like staying with a friend or family member for a few days, setting boundaries with your parents about when and how you will interact with them at certain times, or simply being out of the house more often.
Are you financially or logistically dependent on your parents? For example, are you in college and your parents pay the bill? The advantage here is that if you are away from home at university, it will give you a much-needed buffer of space from your parents. At least until you go home for breaks or holidays! Another example is relying on your parents for childcare. If you truly believe that your parents will stop paying for university or stop caring for your kids if you confront them about the affair, then be sure you are prepared for that before you confront them.
Are you close with your parents? This can work both ways. Often, children who are close with their parents feel a sense of obligation to tell the betrayed parent about the affair, while at the same time, they feel the betrayal that much more deeply. Overall, if you have a good relationship with your parents, the conversation will likely go more smoothly.
Do you have younger siblings? Many are worried that younger siblings will be affected by news of an affair or by a resulting divorce. Yes, they will. Go back to the Safety Check. Will they be at risk physically, emotionally, or financially? If so, then do not confront. However, I also caution you to consider the possible benefits to younger siblings. Children of all ages know intuitively when something is amiss with their parents. It may be that learning the truth about the affair helps them in the long run, because it allows them to trust their own instincts. It keeps them from having to grow up with a lie.
Do your parents already have significant mental health issues? Many adult children fear disclosing the affair because it could make the betrayed parent’s mental health issues worse. This is a real concern, and it needs to be considered on a case-by-case basis. Are there other supports you can help get in place before confronting?
Also consider the possibility that the mental health issues are being exacerbated because at some level, the betrayed parent knows that they are being betrayed. Bringing it out into the open may actually help them. But it is a hard question.
If, in the end, you feel the risk is too great, such as when a parent has a history of suicide attempts, then do not confront. Safety first, always.
Are you worried your parents will get a divorce? This question has two parts.
Do you live in a culture where divorce is accepted? This fear is legitimate. Many couples split up because of infidelity, and yes, it is incredibly difficult and painful for both the couple and the family. If you live in a culture where divorce is accepted, there will likely be support systems in place for you and your parents to help you through it.
Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is, Is the pain of my parents getting a divorce worse than the pain of holding on to the secret of the affair?
Do you live in a culture where divorce is taboo? This is tricky. In many parts of the world, divorce is simply not an option, especially for a betrayed wife. Many adult children fear that if their parents divorce because of infidelity, then their mom will be left penniless, or the shame brought on their family will have real financial consequences. There may be pressure to keep quiet about the affair to prioritize family and group harmony.
It’s important to ask yourself the question, Is the pain of my parents getting a divorce worse than the pain of holding on to the secret of the affair? It may well be that the pain of divorce is greater.
Are you worried you will be blamed for sharing the information? This is likely to happen. Even the most loving and mature of parents may blame the messenger in painful moments. However, this is not a reason not to confront.
For parents who choose to get help and work toward healing, blaming you may eventually give way to a better understanding of your experience. But even if that doesn't happen, remember that their reaction is not your responsibility.
How do you feel now?
Take some time to journal your answers and feelings about these questions.
If you still feel unsure of what to do, take some time away from thinking about it. Do something engaging to take your mind off of it for a day or two. Often, clarity comes when your mind has some time to process.
Always remember that there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to confronting your parents.
Next week, we will cover how to confront your parents.